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I guess I should start by being brutally honest... This isn't my first time.

When I was in year 10 at high school (aged 14 to 15) I lost alot of weight through a desperate diet of ice-pops and 6 miles of running aday. I only did it to make a massive change; I had no friends, they all began to hate me for no reason, leaving me alone and in need to become a new person.

Eventually, people noticed the change... I had gone from akward, chubby emo, all the way to slim, high-heel wearing... I suppose, plastic. Funny thing is that, when people realised, they wanted to be friends with me, thus I became comfertable around people and happy again, thus (again) started to gain weight.

I returned to 'the diet' in the summer of 2009, by accident. My friends and I had adopted a house for the 3 month summer and because of our lack of money, we had to pick between food or alcohol.... I guess I chose right.

But, at the end of summer, something bad happened, and I could not stop gaining. I went from a happy size 8/10 to about a 14 in under a year. I am thinking that my part time job doesn't help, being around fatty food during a 13 hour shift kind of forces you to eat, and eat, and eat.

Anyway, now I am huge!!!

I have a great friend Z who has had the disorder for a long time, she has been a big help in trying to help me see the light for the last few months... but I have been resistant to do it. I started in October for 2 weeks and lost half a stone (it helped that I was pretty ill, being sick and stuff but still, I was strict, kept a binge book and noted every calorie I ate. But I got distracted for one day, and it all went down the pan :@) ... I am now trying to refind my steps, but it is proving to be difficult already (my stomach is rumbling to the maximum.)

Anyway, Z has a tonne of followers and I guess supporters on her blog that help her along her path and I was hoping this would be as influencial to me as it has been to her.

I noticed that my other friend (I shant name) was getting thinner and thinner since I met her at the start of college last year, I mean she was gorgeous anyway and by no means fat (apparently though, she used to be like a size 16/18 and working at KFC!!) anyway, I saw her after summer and OMGGGG, she must be a size 4 (UK) I could see her hipbones, literally piercing her skin, her collar bones popping out of her top, her legs with 'that gap' we all dream of, her cheekbones so defined... I was unbelievably jelous...... but it doesnt stop there, she is even thinner now..

She kept telling me that it was just by healthy eating, and I guess I ate that lie up (just like I ate everythingggg else) Anyway, I saw hints of her disorder, (she stopped hanging around with me, to 'do work' in the library, aka avoiding the canteen... I found her binge book with kcals listed inside... she mentioned going to the gym before college... she said that her 'excretion' patterns are erm, much more active, to be polite... and Z saw a mention of a homemade laxative discussed by her online... and finally Z asked her some questions, and was told that it now takes her about 2 hours to eat a meal and she avoids going out for meals with friends.)

I guess the other friend is now the queen. We can ALL learn from her. Her change is drastic and I have never been so jelous of someone in my entire life.

I guess that all I want is to be able to go out without wearing tights, without always wearing a scarf because it covers my stomach, without having to wear a blazer on a night out, without feeling like an ugly, fat, mess all the time.

I just want to be thin, with a gap in my legs, visible collar bones and cheekbones to die for.

I have joined you girls.

I have hope for the future.