.

im a bad person.
since friday, i have been horrendous!!!!!!!!!
just not good at all. but i am back to the start and have got more motivation now.

.

I did something HORRIBLE today.
I went to the canteen to get hot water for my cup-a-soup, but then my friend bought a sausage butty and what did I do... I got one too!
Am I retarded or something? Was I really that weak, not to resist it?

After I ate it, all I felt was absolute guilt... then 2 hours later, I was violently sick!
Well, at least it taught me a lesson, and trust me, I WILL NOT do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

I know she is sooo scene, but me and Z are googling our favourite scene kids with massiveeeee hair and tiny tiny bodies so here is my ultimate...





Her hair is just so pretty, peroxide blonde, longg, straight; i love it!
Here is my inspiration for the day

.

I am watching Almost Famous for the first time right now, (I know, what the hell, why havent I seen it??) and seeing Zooey Deschanel, just makes me want to look like her... she is sooo incredibly beautiful.
Seeing her has made my appetite disappear,and instead of a mars bar, I am having a glass of ice cold water (reminds me of the film Thirteen, where Eady (cant spell) says if you drink 10 glasses of ice water a day, you burn 300kcals, not bad... Thirteen is actually just a massive influence, okay minus the drugs and that - not denying that they would no doubt help since my brothers friend lost a shit load of weight from using that MKat/bubble/miowmiow shit, but drugs just arent for me thanks, I have this obsessive personality, I cannot start or I will not stop them- anyway, Tracy is so tiny tiny, and she never eats, she chooses alcohol and ciagrettes instead, love it!!)
...Today I have eaten, a yoghurt (low fat) cheese and crackers, some cherry tomatoes and a tiny tiny bit of couscous. could be better. ALOT better!
But I dont feel terrible because I have come on my period and we all know this is the worst time kcal wise. oh no, look out for the chocolate.

.

So, I think I have done okay today, I mean I'm not devistated.
I have has a cup-a-soup, an apple and a few crackers and cheese.
But, when I got home, my mum made me some white fish, which does only have 110 kcals in, but with roast potatoes.
I left half.
It felt really good to leave what I didn't need.
I mean, I was watching a film with LiLo at her skinniest, thats enough motivation for me, thank you.
So, she is now my thinspo for the day.

Hello 5 blockbuster rentals to keep my attention away from food.

.

'Coffee and Smokes and Cold Diet Cokes,
Thats What pretty girls are made of!'

Z posted this on my facebook yesterday.
I love it, it summerises me.. or at least the new me?
Pretty girls? ... Skinny Girls, thus, pretty.
They both come hand in hand.
If I see an ugly girl with the most amazing figure, chances are, I think she is pretty. Who cares about anything else?
THIN IS THE GOAL.

Thin leads you places. Thin lets you be who you want to be. Thin is freedom and beauty and love and confidence. Thin is what makes all of us do what we do... it makes us seek ana.

Today I was at the dreaded work place (HORRIBLE FOOD STORE) which is the place that has made me in to this monster (AKA morbidly obese) and is usually the place I fall down... But today, I had a few spoonfuls of non fat yoghurt at 7, nothing until 1 oclock where I made Couscous with haddock and mixed veg.. I only made an average sized bowl........ But I couldnt manage the whole thing. :D It felt lovely being able to throw away food, as if it was nothing- FOOD IS NOTHING, food isnt happiness, nor love, food is evil!

I had my dinner break with a friend from work which meant my original plan to spend the hour scribling and sticking in thinspos to my 'binge book', was not possible. I mean, I cannot let anybody see it. :/ What would they do?... not worth thinking about really.

Following this I had a cracker with light cheese, which I shouldnt have done, but I panicked, usually it would be a pack of crisps or chocolate... or at least a can of full fat coke. I even made sure I didnt drink diet sodas today, Just water, and a coffee... and a few smokes- cant blame me, I need one unhealthy thing in my life (plus, it is said to suppress appitite so whatever!)

But, when I got home, I broke... I was forced duck and pancakes by the mother.... not just that, but...... a mars bar. oh jesus. christ. alive.
I might as well just say hello to forever obesity.
I could literally feel the fat adding to my already enormous hips, the calories slide in to the celulite dimples, the chocolate, caramel and nougat drench my waist in CHUBBB, FAT, UGLINESS!
Oh.

I shall make up for that MISTAKE tomorrow, when cutting my calories by half again. I dont deserve calories tomorrow.

I hope the day has gone better for you girlies. :D

.

I know I cannot call anybody 'fat', but I also don't claim to be a supermodel.
How can somebody look like this ...

can be spread over Vogue, Elle, runways and be a favourite of designers.
HOWWW?
Please tell me-- especially with that horrendous gap in her teeth.

Anyway, I am proud of how I have done today, strawberries and blueberries :D
Thats it.

.

Z did something amazing today...

I brought maltesers to college but I really didn't want to have them in my bag, because of course, i would eat them, I asked Z to take them off of me, and what did she do?

THREW THEM IN THE BIN.

What a legend.

At least I can see Z 5 days a week and because she does SOOOO well, she will be a big (or really small) inspiration and help to me.

.

I guess I should start by being brutally honest... This isn't my first time.

When I was in year 10 at high school (aged 14 to 15) I lost alot of weight through a desperate diet of ice-pops and 6 miles of running aday. I only did it to make a massive change; I had no friends, they all began to hate me for no reason, leaving me alone and in need to become a new person.

Eventually, people noticed the change... I had gone from akward, chubby emo, all the way to slim, high-heel wearing... I suppose, plastic. Funny thing is that, when people realised, they wanted to be friends with me, thus I became comfertable around people and happy again, thus (again) started to gain weight.

I returned to 'the diet' in the summer of 2009, by accident. My friends and I had adopted a house for the 3 month summer and because of our lack of money, we had to pick between food or alcohol.... I guess I chose right.

But, at the end of summer, something bad happened, and I could not stop gaining. I went from a happy size 8/10 to about a 14 in under a year. I am thinking that my part time job doesn't help, being around fatty food during a 13 hour shift kind of forces you to eat, and eat, and eat.

Anyway, now I am huge!!!

I have a great friend Z who has had the disorder for a long time, she has been a big help in trying to help me see the light for the last few months... but I have been resistant to do it. I started in October for 2 weeks and lost half a stone (it helped that I was pretty ill, being sick and stuff but still, I was strict, kept a binge book and noted every calorie I ate. But I got distracted for one day, and it all went down the pan :@) ... I am now trying to refind my steps, but it is proving to be difficult already (my stomach is rumbling to the maximum.)

Anyway, Z has a tonne of followers and I guess supporters on her blog that help her along her path and I was hoping this would be as influencial to me as it has been to her.

I noticed that my other friend (I shant name) was getting thinner and thinner since I met her at the start of college last year, I mean she was gorgeous anyway and by no means fat (apparently though, she used to be like a size 16/18 and working at KFC!!) anyway, I saw her after summer and OMGGGG, she must be a size 4 (UK) I could see her hipbones, literally piercing her skin, her collar bones popping out of her top, her legs with 'that gap' we all dream of, her cheekbones so defined... I was unbelievably jelous...... but it doesnt stop there, she is even thinner now..

She kept telling me that it was just by healthy eating, and I guess I ate that lie up (just like I ate everythingggg else) Anyway, I saw hints of her disorder, (she stopped hanging around with me, to 'do work' in the library, aka avoiding the canteen... I found her binge book with kcals listed inside... she mentioned going to the gym before college... she said that her 'excretion' patterns are erm, much more active, to be polite... and Z saw a mention of a homemade laxative discussed by her online... and finally Z asked her some questions, and was told that it now takes her about 2 hours to eat a meal and she avoids going out for meals with friends.)

I guess the other friend is now the queen. We can ALL learn from her. Her change is drastic and I have never been so jelous of someone in my entire life.

I guess that all I want is to be able to go out without wearing tights, without always wearing a scarf because it covers my stomach, without having to wear a blazer on a night out, without feeling like an ugly, fat, mess all the time.

I just want to be thin, with a gap in my legs, visible collar bones and cheekbones to die for.

I have joined you girls.

I have hope for the future.