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so, i am back.
yay. :/

I got a boyfriend I was finally happy with.. (I never do relationships so this meant ALOT) and it was going really well..

and on Friday, he split up with me.
I am so pathetic for caring so much.
and I cant talk to my friends about it because they think i dont care (I have this hard outer-shell that they think i am so detached and care free--- and im not )
I feel like i have swallowed a stone. I feel like my stomach is getting kicked over and over. my eyes are watering in lessons at college.
I felt so sick in my stomach at work, I couldn't eat.

So, I am back.
I doubt Ill post a whole lot... but I just needed to share this, somewhere.
So thanks for being here, even if no-one reads it, I know I have wrote down what I am feeling.



Another thing is I got a hip piercing, a dermal anchor, and I am so upset, because i want everyone too see it because i like it, but i am too fat... no i am not one of the girls on here who THINK they are fat but definitely, I actually am. like im talking hideous, cant go out without tights on and a jacket, and a scarf, I cannot remember the last time I got my legs out, or my arms, or my stomach, I cant get dressed in front of my friends like they do with me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

And add the big FAT dumping on to that list.
And, i am now totally insecure, fragile. PATHETIc










I have just been going to work and college to keep my mind off everything.
my new friends think i am so funny and exciting. but im not. i am a fraud,



I just think when i look at photos of skinny beautiful girls, that they are happy they are the girl i want to be, the girl that i fake i am. that i HAVE too be... no problems or fears behind a smiley face, no need to avoid a camera, no need to want a boy- because they all want you.




heres hoping.

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^^ my drawing i did today for my portfolio, a skinny model, nommm
well, it has definatly been a while since i last posted... like a month, which isnt so good, but after christmas binging, im back on track... i think!
today i have ate a pepperami for breakfast (which is pretty horrible in terms of calories) special K snack bites for my snack, which are 99 kcal and a starbucks muffin for lunch...
when i go home (i am at college now, i find if you keep active and do revision or work, then you wont find time to eat so much) im not planning to eat alot.
I have also gone back to cheerleading aswell, which is a mint workout ... we have a competition in march so i want to look alright in the outfit :D

x

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i am so sorry that i have bailed for so long, but i'm back.
it is soo soo hard at this time of year, as im sure all of you know, with all the food everywhere, and i mean EVERYWHERE...
I have been so busy, and had NO energy at all, but making excuses will not shift the pounds..
there are a tonne of new diets i would like to try after browsing your lovely blogs
1) rainbow
2) 2468
3) a new one i found in a magazine last night... you start by only eating dairy for a week, then add unlimited fruit and veg (but of course i would monitor it) then when you hit your gal weight, you then slowly introduce carbs again... jLo does this diet... so i might give it a little go, but change it to a week a week a week...

Anyway, back to the present, i was doing fantastic on my little ana splurge, until i had a horrendous weekend with the sister, eating.. followed by a even worse work shift... which completely broke my pattern, then an interview in southampton which was 7 hours on a train there and back!! so after 14 hours travelling, it was not a pretty sight..

BUTTTTTT, i was mega ill two nights ago, like propper 'vomcano' EVERYWHHAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!
Which was a nice little way to get me back on track, of course i felt like s**t, but it meant i couldnt, even if i wanted to, eat at college in case i 'chundered' againn,, so in the whole day i had 2 weetabix... pretty good.
last night aswell, i got my brace put on again, which means horrific pain, which means no eating..:D
LOVELY
so today i spent half a hour eating one bag of crisps... <3
and that will be it because i have no will to eat any more.
HIGH FIVE!!!!

PLUS BEST NEWS OF THE DAY;;;;;; NARNIA TONIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, I AM SO EXCITED..
seeing the 'star' and of course prince caspian will be my thinspos for today, at the dream that one day i could have a man like ben barnes... or go to narnia. and obviously i would HAVE to be super skinny to do that!!!


xxxx

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im a bad person.
since friday, i have been horrendous!!!!!!!!!
just not good at all. but i am back to the start and have got more motivation now.

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I did something HORRIBLE today.
I went to the canteen to get hot water for my cup-a-soup, but then my friend bought a sausage butty and what did I do... I got one too!
Am I retarded or something? Was I really that weak, not to resist it?

After I ate it, all I felt was absolute guilt... then 2 hours later, I was violently sick!
Well, at least it taught me a lesson, and trust me, I WILL NOT do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I know she is sooo scene, but me and Z are googling our favourite scene kids with massiveeeee hair and tiny tiny bodies so here is my ultimate...





Her hair is just so pretty, peroxide blonde, longg, straight; i love it!
Here is my inspiration for the day

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I am watching Almost Famous for the first time right now, (I know, what the hell, why havent I seen it??) and seeing Zooey Deschanel, just makes me want to look like her... she is sooo incredibly beautiful.
Seeing her has made my appetite disappear,and instead of a mars bar, I am having a glass of ice cold water (reminds me of the film Thirteen, where Eady (cant spell) says if you drink 10 glasses of ice water a day, you burn 300kcals, not bad... Thirteen is actually just a massive influence, okay minus the drugs and that - not denying that they would no doubt help since my brothers friend lost a shit load of weight from using that MKat/bubble/miowmiow shit, but drugs just arent for me thanks, I have this obsessive personality, I cannot start or I will not stop them- anyway, Tracy is so tiny tiny, and she never eats, she chooses alcohol and ciagrettes instead, love it!!)
...Today I have eaten, a yoghurt (low fat) cheese and crackers, some cherry tomatoes and a tiny tiny bit of couscous. could be better. ALOT better!
But I dont feel terrible because I have come on my period and we all know this is the worst time kcal wise. oh no, look out for the chocolate.