.

so, i am back.
yay. :/

I got a boyfriend I was finally happy with.. (I never do relationships so this meant ALOT) and it was going really well..

and on Friday, he split up with me.
I am so pathetic for caring so much.
and I cant talk to my friends about it because they think i dont care (I have this hard outer-shell that they think i am so detached and care free--- and im not )
I feel like i have swallowed a stone. I feel like my stomach is getting kicked over and over. my eyes are watering in lessons at college.
I felt so sick in my stomach at work, I couldn't eat.

So, I am back.
I doubt Ill post a whole lot... but I just needed to share this, somewhere.
So thanks for being here, even if no-one reads it, I know I have wrote down what I am feeling.



Another thing is I got a hip piercing, a dermal anchor, and I am so upset, because i want everyone too see it because i like it, but i am too fat... no i am not one of the girls on here who THINK they are fat but definitely, I actually am. like im talking hideous, cant go out without tights on and a jacket, and a scarf, I cannot remember the last time I got my legs out, or my arms, or my stomach, I cant get dressed in front of my friends like they do with me. I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

And add the big FAT dumping on to that list.
And, i am now totally insecure, fragile. PATHETIc










I have just been going to work and college to keep my mind off everything.
my new friends think i am so funny and exciting. but im not. i am a fraud,



I just think when i look at photos of skinny beautiful girls, that they are happy they are the girl i want to be, the girl that i fake i am. that i HAVE too be... no problems or fears behind a smiley face, no need to avoid a camera, no need to want a boy- because they all want you.




heres hoping.